Life Musings

Polyamory ; How I am feeling now.

I have been feeling like a “poly” person for months and months now. Maybe years.

Paul and I spent a few months talking about having an open relationship, and being a poly couple. However we weren’t really talking about being poly. We were only really talking about having an open relationship where we could have the ‘permission’ to be with other people – but we’d never meet them or know anything about each other’s ‘experiences / companions’

However – I went on 1 date after weeks and weeks of discussing boundaries, rules, what was and wasn’t okay with Paul… and it all went to shit when I came home from that 1 first date. I felt AWFUL and he was so NOT cool with being “open”.

So we closed that book and I tried to lock away those feelings of wanting to share my love with other people. Eventually – we know what happened there; Our marriage ended. I felt Poly and he really really didn’t. My values for my life and how I wanted to live intentionally and true to myself; had grown and developed and changed to the point where I valued different things to him. Where he still valued monogamy (like I used to) I had evolved to value freedom. And whilst I can almost feel you reading this and thinking “I bet you just wanted to go and fuck a load of people” …..no. I am actually far more A-sexual than you might expect (just google it).

While I was working out what exactly it was that I wanted; I kept my husband continually up to date. (if you’ve read my blog, you’ll know that we both over analyse everything). I was always updating him on how I felt inside, and never was there ever an urge to just be having sex with other people… this goes waaay deeper. He was always willing to try to help us both get what we needed out of the relationship.

But that’s just where the problem lies; I don’t believe you truly can get everything you want out of life; have all your needs and wants met, by just 1 person. That’s way too much pressure and expectation to put on another human being.

Right now I am learning. I have never done anything like this before in my life and I’m sure there are some people out there “in the community” ready to tell me i’m not this or that or some other label…. but i’m not really interested in labels.

I’m only ever interested in LOVE. How much joy and love can I bring into this room, this person’s day, my own life, the world. How much can I love?

The answer is infinite.

I am capable of an infinite amount of love. I am capable of loving more than one person and providing all of them with the most beautiful pure honest love possible. it was the holding and containing of that love for so long that was hurting me so much.

is it all about sex? 

No.

There are people in my life I have an incredible amount of love for and yet I have no desire to see them naked or be intimate with them. There are people I feel like I am developing a relationship with and all I want to do is cuddle and read books with them, there are those I craft with, those I make music with, those I do yoga with and those I dance with… and eventually there will be those I have sex with too.

This isn’t a casual sex marathon. and I’m not experienced enough to explain it… so…

Watch this video – I think it explains things well… and I especially love the part about Compersion ; finding happiness in other people’s happiness. I don’t know alot of people who are even capable of this to be honest… but I’m going to enjoy the search for them.

also this one;

This is a new journey for me… (kind of feels like ‘coming out’)

wish me luck xxx

Ferret

xxx

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