Life Musings

Meet Hatred with Love

So recently I rather bravely posted about MY feelings on MY life; Here

It was a difficult post to hit the ‘update’ button on, as I knew there would ultimately be people who just wouldn’t understand (and when you’ve lived your life listening to an ego brain that tells you ‘you need to worry about every little thing other people think about you’ – this is why this was scary).  What I was not expecting however, was the fact that this received a bit of kickback from people who either completely misunderstood the post or who felt I was sharing too much about my Husband Paul on my blog.

Let me start by making this very clear;

This is my blog. There are many like it, but this one is mine.
My blog is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life.
Without me, my blog is useless. Without my blog, I am useless.
I must write my blog from my own truth.
I must write braver than my mental health which is trying to kill me.
I must accept my mind before I can love myself…

That being said (thank you full-mental-jacket); I love and respect my husband Paul very much.

Therefore, when we spoke on the phone and he said ; I don’t want you to write about me in your blog anymore, I’ve unfollowed it, but people keep telling me stuff they’ve read and I’d rather not have to hear it”

I said I’d gladly keep him and our relationship out of any future posts and instead try to write about the issues I’m dealing with in a way that a) continues to help all the beautiful people who write to me to tell me my blog is really helping them to get through their own shit and b) keeps our marriage out of it as much as is possible (though given he was my husband for 6 years and he has nursed me through alot of mental health problems, or at the very least ; been there to witness it, writing anything without him being mentioned will be a challenge.

But a challenge I’m willing to take on. Why? Because he asked me nicely.

You see, Paul and I , although no longer together, have committed to staying true to the intentions we set on the day we threw the stones ;

“we will honour our intention to stay friends, stay friendly and always remember that it is US against the world”

“us against the world” serves as a reminder, that where ‘the world’ might have us believe that separated partners should be bitter or hateful towards each other, or others might try to question our motives and explain that in their world view; people don’t stay friends after a divorce …. Paul and I will make this intention to always look at the “us” part first. Asking the question: “What works for ‘us’ as friends who care about each other..?” ….good, let’s do that then, and sod everyone else’s opinions. 

As you can see from these previous writings; We kind of knew something like this would happen.

Some people COMPLETELY misunderstood a post that was written full of love and good intentions, and got themselves all worked up. There are ALOT of issues I would LOVE to address on my blog about what happened in my relationship with Paul; but, I simply do not post about them; because it involved Paul and therefore wouldn’t be fair to him. I do not therefore feel, that very briefly mentioning the fact that Paul and I talked about being open in our marriage is a bad thing.

However, this is the last time I will write about my husband.
Because he asked me nicely not to. And I respond to polite requests from a loving place.

And not because anyone got aggressive or threatened me.

And no… I’m not naming and shaming either.

Instead; let’s look at that.

Why would people react to thing I write with love…..; with hatred?

Usually because they don’t understand or they feel they see things a different way. But actually if you dig deeper; it is because of love.

(bear with me here …)

Think about it. If a friend of yours tells you that they have been wronged somehow and there is another person in the story that they feel is to blame. As a good friend ; you’d get mad at that other person right? Probably you would… its difficult not to, they’re your friend and you LOVE them. Ergo; because of your LOVE for your friend, you react to the situation with anger and hatred; you’re showing your friend just how much you care about them by being angry for them.

If we take my situation; Paul and I broke up.

Neither one of us cheated, neither one of us did ANYTHING to hurt the other. I love Paul, he loves me, we’re just not together anymore. That has been so SO difficult for our friends and family to comprehend. I have lost count of the messages I have received from loved ones asking things like “but you were so kind to each other and never argued- why would your marriage end?” and it has been really difficult for people to grasp the concept of “it just did”

In a way – our friends and families have been shocked and hurting from the news.

Imagine then; having difficulty coming to terms with something when there is no villain to blame and direct your anger at? It’s like a death. If a family member dies because of a rare disease – there’s nothing to direct the anger at (except maybe god if you go for that kind of thing). But if a doctor possibly caused the death by malpractice; it gives the loved ones something to direct that misplaced anger at.

With our marriage, and the shock of finding out that we just suddenly weren’t going to be together anymore (although obviously, privately for us; it wasn’t sudden at all) who is to blame? Who can they be angry at?

Usually when a marriage breaks down it can be because someone did something awful, and then all the friends and family can take sides and completely vilify the one who did the wrong. But with our situation – when there was no wrong done by either party…. Now instead there is just misplaced anger with nowhere to go.

But wait! A blog! – a blog where feelings are being written about…. Yes…. We can get angry about that – finally! Something we can use to have a reason to be angry at one of them for ending the thing! Aha!

… I think you get my meaning.

So whilst it isn’t helpful receiving any negativity from people who have chosen to take sides… I can 100% understand WHY they’re doing it.

Because of love.

You see; it all boils down to love. They love Paul, they care about Paul, and they want to protect Paul. And the way they have chosen to show Paul how much they love him, is by getting angry at me for him, on his behalf, and directing it at me; because they love Paul.

Well guess what; I love Paul too.

So from this day – I won’t be writing about him or us anymore (sorry to those who have said it has been really helping them to cope with their breakups – I do recommend the conscious uncoupling book to help you come to peaceful endings xxx)

I am really really glad that Paul has a loving strong and passionate family that want to protect him. Having spent 6 years with these people; I can tell you this; they’re all good people. They love and cherish Paul and want to protect him. And it is that that I am choosing to focus on instead of the recent negativity.

I am peaceful knowing that Paul has people around him to get angry for him, so he doesn’t have to.

Paul and I will be breaking communication for a time, to let him heal and let him find peace. It means I will no longer be able to see my children and that in itself is yet another grieving process I will have to drag myself through. However I will take comfort knowing that the babies are loved and that they will be comforting Paul.

If you read this blog and you didn’t like it; you know you can always choose NOT to read it. Xxx go with love and be happy, there is no need for you to linger here.

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