Life Musings

Ten things I’m afraid to tell you : UPDATE

[inspired by Jess Lively of The Lively Show] 

This was a post I wrote back in Autumn last year which was the start of all the crap I got… which ultimately lead to me closing down any blog posts I had which were personal, deleting all my friends off facebook (because trying to actually close the account is nearly impossible) and coming off twitter and making instagram private… I decided to re-post this, with updates… because it’s fun to see where I am now compared to where I was just a few months ago….

  1. I enjoy smoking

I can’t stop smoking. I have been smoking since August and tried to give up on 1st October. I lasted 6 hours. Now I’m sick with “freshers flu” and all I want to do is drink coffee and smoke fags. This completely goes against my healthy plant based diet, yogi lifestyle, but I ENJOY smoking… and as an ex-chain smoker… this scares me.  I hope to give up soon… UPDATE: I gave up smoking on Oct 31st and I have not looked back since. As soon as my partner Charlie decided to do this with me, it didn’t seem so difficult anymore and now I cannot honestly imagine wanting to smoke.

  1. I feel guilty about shaving my head

So, even though I really don’t want to lose my long hair and even though NONE of the money goes to me – my justgiving page (www.justgiving.com/quirkyferret ) sends any donations straight through to my chosen charity.. my hair is going to charity – “it’s all for a good cause” … and yet part of me feels selfish for doing it.. almost like I’m worried that the attention I get from doing the headshave is glorification and somehow using the charity to promote my own… self…. Or something (I really don’t know where this guilt comes from but it’s there) UPDATE: I soon got over this guilt when the charity emailed me to thank me for the £1075 I raised. I am really pleased I could help them and I am super grateful for everyone who joined in with the donations

  1. I’m worried I’ll be ugly with no hair.

No amount of self love and go-girl-power seems to be getting me over this little niggly, back-of-my-mind worry, that without my hair I’m just not “pretty” and then I feel guilty for having these thoughts, because my self worth should be more than my appearance. UPDATE: I actually look fucking awesome and get compliments about it all the time, i’m growing it out slowly but surely and not even covering my weird hairstyle with headscarves right now… if anything, shaving my head has proved to me that you really really don’t need hair to look beautiful or feel feminine. 

  1. I really enjoy having hairy underarms.

I say I keep my underarm hair long to empower other women to do the same… but really it’s because I like the feel of it and I like not having to shave and have spikey sore underarms. UPDATE: I actually shaved my underarms for my performance at Infusion Emporium because I really didnt want to distract from the dance and I know it would have taken away some of the focus if the audience were thinking ‘oh god look at that’ – but i immediately regretted it and now it’s grown back I really don’t think I will shave it again.

  1. I don’t like vegans.

As a veggie who doesn’t eat dairy I feel like I should just give up mayo and honey and go ‘full – vegan’ but in reality … I don’t ever want to apply that label to myself… because militant vegans piss me off more than meat eaters. (sorry to all the peaceful vegans but I just want no part of your ‘club’) UPDATE: I think this post should say; I don’t like angry militant people. I’ve been doing veganuary again this January 2018 and I hope to find some friendly vegans to connect with instead of the angry fanatics. Every group has it’s cunts as they say….

  1. Once upon a time I joined a cult

(it was an MLM) and I lost a lot of friends and a lot of money… I feel embarrassed and guilty about it almost every day.  UPDATE: I no longer feel guilty about this. I have finally forgiven myself for the silly mistake of allowing myself to be vulnerable enough to be brainwashed by the promise of “giving my family a better life” and I still have alot of moisturiser from those days! 

  1. I haven’t spoken to my husband Paul since my last blog post

I haven’t seen my ferrets since August. I was initially so proud of us for going through a peaceful, conscious uncoupling… until the actions of external people caused him to pull away and break contact with me. Not in a malicious way…. but still… no contact at all.  This cuts me up every time I see daily little reminders that he and I are no longer talking and my children are no longer with me.

UPDATE: (and this is a sad one) I have spoken to Paul, just once, since he broke contact with me and blocked all my numbers and emails so I would have no way to reach out to him; it was to inform me that my little child Tanuki had passed away …. I never got to say goodbye and it is very unlikely that I will ever get to see my children again. If you’ve ever had to pretend someone you loved dearly was dead … so that it hurt less when you didn’t get to see them… only to find out 1 of them has died for real… perhaps you’ll know how I felt; its like mourning 2 deaths. And speaking to Paul was just horrible. If you’ve ever had a best friend who you loved who always spoke gently to you suddenly become completely indifferent to you and refuse to acknowledge anything or have proper closure…. this whole thing has just been really painful. And the worst thing is; the breakup was amicable and peaceful… the aftermath when he found out I had starting dating however…. basically , a few choice idiots sent alot of abusive shit to me and to my new boyfriend in an attempt to hurt me… all they actually did was bring Charlie and I closer together, and hurt Paul in the long run as it soured our contact. It’s all very sad. I just hope that by breaking contact with me and filling our divorce papers full of really hateful nasty shit; that its all out of his system now and he can move on. If he needs to turn me into a hate figure and make up lies about me in order to be able to move on… then fine. what ever works ….it’s just really sad… and I honestly thought we were so much more adult. And i’m done being silent about it all. 

  1. I HATE that annoying clap-clap-clap-clap thing that audiences do when watching a dancer.

Honestly it is just the fucking worst kind of ‘audience participation’ and I cringe every time I hear it and often want to stop dancing (if I’m the performer) and scream “SHUT THE FUCK UP” at the audience as soon as the first clap-clap bullshit starts to build momentum. Fuck that noise. (phew…… ranty)

Update; I clapped along to Alpha Male Tea Party 2 nights ago – but that’s a math rock band and some next-level time signatures… so I reckon I get a pass. 

  1. 80% of the time I don’t want to speak.

In my day job and when teaching ; I have to speak and be clear and heard and knowledgeable. When I’m anxious or tired ; I “lose my words” and basically, fail to articulate anything and really wish instead I could just function in a series of sounds and sound affects and little noises. They do the same job anyway and most of our communication is non- verbal. I think if we all communicated this way we’d share a lot more understanding and a lot more love.

Update; I still feel this way often, except now I have handed in my notice at the stressful corporate day job to teach yoga full time. 

  1. A (….and this is the biggy) I’m Happy.

Since my marriage ended… I have been breathing a lot easier and I have already started to see someone. His name is Charlie. He plays guitar and sings and dances. He does DnD. He loves cats. Every day that I am with him; I feel really really happy. I thought my marriage breakup would just END me and that I’d be in mourning for months… but it only ever feels like the right thing to have done. Like finally exhaling. … and then I feel really really guilty; because society will assume that this is all way too soon after my marriage, and that I should be wearing black and playing a tiny violin.  I worry every day that people will judge me for finding someone new only months after separating from my husband. But the truth is; I am happy. This feels right and I am calm and full of peace. I deserve to be happy, even if right now; the worry and the guilt of that happiness is overwhelming. I only hope that others can accept me and my choices without judgement and that I can reconcile my inner feelings on this soon too…

Update; well, it turns out, people did judge me for moving on too quickly (in their eyes) and for admitting to being poly-amorous … but… only random people, who have abso-fucking-lutely no clue what ACTUALLY happened in my marriage (and no… despite what these people put me through…. i’ll still never publicly speak out about my marriage problems in detail… I’ve only EVER spoken about my personal feelings and never about the relationship itself… IF these people DID know the full story they’d never have got involved). I also feel like; if people understood polyamory properly instead of just assuming its all about sex (which is laughable…. because for me it so isn’t) then perhaps they’d be less frightened by it. 

just a thought. 

So anyway; I am no longer “afraid to tell you” that Charlie makes me very very happy indeed. I am PROUD of him as I am proud of myself for having the strength to say “i’m not happy where I am and i’m willing and brave enough to change that”. I am forever grateful to myself for deciding to follow my heart and end the chapter in my life that was making me unhappy. and I am so pleased I didn’t listen to anyone or anything but my intuition when it came to deciding to meet up with Charlie after we were first introduced by mutual friends on the music scene. (because lets face it…i’m not the type for going on tinder). Charlie has continued to stand beside me through all the crap and when I nearly died in hospital this past November, Charlie was there by my bedside every single day. 

Everyone who matters in my life is loving and supporting…. anyone else…. is just white noise. It’s important to remember you cannot please everyone, and hurt people; hurt people.

10.B Every day I worry that this will all end.

I’m trying to live in the moment, go with the flow, enjoy the happiness; but this is all so alien to me that there is a part of me that panics every day; that something is going to happen, something is going to take all of this happiness away from me. It might be the part of me that thinks I do not deserve it… it  might be the part of me that thinks ‘something bad always happens’ but where ever it is coming from; the monster of FEAR is with me always. What if I end up alone and miserable? What if I’m Sampson and after I shave my head it all goes to shit?

Update; I just never feel this way anymore. I’m so much stronger than I gave myself credit for.

I blame yoga; it has given me peace and time to reflect and self love by the bucket load. Guilt never serves us, and worry is a peace killer. Worry cannot take away your pain or your sorrow; only take away your peace today.

Everything is relative

Everything is what we make of it.

The label we place on it was made by us.

We have the power to change the label.

That thing you thought was a burden can be seen as a blessing; you need only change the spelling of the word you labelled it with…. And look! They both start with B.

 

So how about you; start with “Be” and go from there xx

 

Lots of LOVE my little kits xxx

 

Ferret.

1 thought on “Ten things I’m afraid to tell you : UPDATE

  1. Hey there lady

    I thought it about time I wrote down on your blog my answers to your questions as we both busy ladies and don’t get the chance to talk. So here you go these are straight from the gut and I am going to have to keep scrolling up to read your stuff before typing my replies lol

    1, No shit I smoke too, I hate it, it smells,I feel like a mega social outcast CONSTANTLY like I have to go and hide and do it. I know it’s really bad for me but I can’t give up and I get right peed off sometimes with people nagging me. Also I get peed off if they don’t cos I know they want too.. go figure lol

    2, We all feel guilty about stuff, it’s because we are thinking (as with the smoking thing) too much about what others think.. Stuff that, do what you want, shaving your head is hurting no one, its raising money for charity and hell girl if people see it and it makes them pay up then all the better.

    3, That IS 100% Bollocks you ARE stunning hair or no hair and I recon you know you are deep down. You want reassurance don’t you? but you don’t need it girl. (I told you I am really being honest here)

    4, Hairy armpits are gross (just my opinion because mine smell if I let them grow) I never got close enough to anyone’s hairy pits to know if they smell or not and I don’t intend too. Waxing is good for me, no cuts and I feel clean and fresh… but each to their own.

    5, I can’t say I have an opinion either way re vegans. I have a massive amount of respect for anyone who has the willpower to pull something off life changing like that (both their lives and those of the animals they save) I don’t like being constantly barraged with “you should do like I do” though and I don’t like allowing myself to feel (or being made to feel) like a less able human being (like with the smoking) because I don’t have the willpower to do it myself.

    6, CULTS… prey on those who are easy to persuade…we all do stuff we regret in life.. hopefully we learn from it… cliche is we cannot change the past and the clever part is to try not to dwell on it too much or it will effect the future.

    7, Stop with the timescales here, 1 day 1 month 1 year 10 years. Makes no difference it’s in the past. Try to look at the road in front of you and make judgements about the road ahead based on the terrain you already covered on this journey. As the road progresses you will look back at your journey and smile at the route you took rather than be sad about when you stumbled along the way. Yup I know… easy words to say,, hard emotions to deal with.. Honestly things do get easier with time but you wont see that or know that until you get there xx

    8, Well you can go outside and have a smoke when I am dancing then because I bloody love the audience pounding out the beat. It lifts my heart (and also the sound when the music system is shit) I like the room to rock and I like to feel I made it rock and then I love rocking along with it….finished already?… go and have another one I want to dance some more OR get with the beat and dance with me xxx

    9, Yup totally get you on this BUT when I do want to speak I have 120% to say in 20% of the time.. go figure it all comes out wrong or rushed (probably pretty much like this reply to your blog).

    10A FANTASTIC… You are finding the new path… follow it 🙂

    10B Oh FFS stop looking for boulders in the path, just walk it you CAN go around them

    11… My bit… nice to see someone writing what they think and for me it’s nice to write what I think too. My biggest bug bear is that I try to have time for everyone and end up not having enough time at the precise time I feel I should give the most. Well life’s all about balance. I too have some seriously sad *hit and hard times in the past but I firmly believe the path forward is going to be paved in a neater way. If I have to I will tarmac and pave it myself (to be honest that’s actually what I do now) Yup I still look back at the dreadful path behind me but I find it easier to turn my back on it now and walk forward. I try REALLY hard to stay positive and constantly give positive vibes, I know for some my life might seem like a bed of roses. I can honestly say it’s not I am constantly uber stressed and just don’t have enough hours in the day but… at the end of each day I have enjoyed what I have done and I always intend to make the most of every minute…..each minute that passes can NEVER be re gained so enjoy it where you can xxx

    11B I sound like some kind of religious freak… path this and path that lol… it helps me put things into perspective though.

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